Some time confused.

This period of time is hard to me because I figure out that something has changed in me, in my confidence, in my lively-ness and in my perception of happiness. It's hard to say when it got started. It could be the environment here, the people here, the course here, blablabla and that's all I could blame on. Let's think about me, why I changed?

1. That's the moment when I lost my close friend here in a strange and still brand new country.
2. Then I knew that the people I chose to stay with, to connect with in the longterm, to believe in, have turned out to be kind of the people I don't usually get along with when I am in my country.
3. I learnt, learnt a lot, but when I don't feel I am learning anymore, I feel I am forced to learn these things. I lied myself that it's fine to me, I lied myself that I am always welcomed to the new knowledge no matter what it is, I lied myself that I will be adapted soon to this new life and these new people. BUT I did not. Because these things do not fit me, and I do not fit into these neither. That was totally something I had drawn for my life. I know that now. It should be the price I pay in the end of the day for my super fast and stubborn choice.
4. But I accept the challenge. I accept the way I am changing now. I am not giving up. And I am not gonna think that I am a loser. Old ways are not always fit to me, and it's not necessary to be with me the whole life. Sometimes it would be better to understand my new self and get to accept it, right?

And these days are waiting days for me, with 99% I am wasting my time to wait for those stupid acceptance for my internship interviews. Who cares about it, right? It is still fine when I am with my family, back to my old friends, back to my hometown, and back to my used-to-be-person. I have experienced enough? No, I haven't. It's just I figured out I belong to where I was. Or am I too memory-belong-person? And I would be disappointed if those memories do not keep on.

Still, too much confusion in my mind now. My heart is too small to love somewhere else.

Confused weekend.
April 6th 14